You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
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It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Aight bet
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.