her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
U talkin 2 me?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.