My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
🤣
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well