I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
You Might Also Like
never compromise your values
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.