#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
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[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
why would tinder want me to say this
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.