Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
my sentiments exactly
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.