ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
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“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?