Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police