She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
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Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
You’ll be OK
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats