My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
whatcha thinkin bout
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.