Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
You Might Also Like
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.