[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell