Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
You Might Also Like
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I think I’ll stand
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Happy Febuary everyone!
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat