My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read