My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
You Might Also Like
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My beach vacation Google searches
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!