him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
The Sun
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.