Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
When you’re Kinky but poor
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.