ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
You Might Also Like
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*seductively eats two tums*
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Good morning!
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl