Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
This headline is a thing of beauty
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I love you…
…r dog.