Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman