God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
You Might Also Like
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
the last thing a carrot sees
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration