Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”