an octopus is just a wet spider
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11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Mouse
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The options really are this bad
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
my favorite genre of twitter
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy