My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
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my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
😬