me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
You Might Also Like
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*