Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
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Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll