Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
sounds kinky. i’m in.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche