Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
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me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Finished stitching this today 😇
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”