Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.