I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass