Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
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I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat