her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!