[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
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Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.