Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
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TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.