Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
#FunnyLife Insects
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I don’t get marriage
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog