I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.