me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Lmao 🤣
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
You got this…
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.