What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
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2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I put the mess in domestic.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
titanic
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?