No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Bros before Ohioes
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free