THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned