Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
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“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
my first dose meeting my second
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.