“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
me: my friends:
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up