PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
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I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.