11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
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Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
😆this is so true
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling