Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!