I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
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Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.