Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.