Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Leaving the Barbers like
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”