‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.