When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
the three branches of government
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.